Young Love

“The most painful thing is loosing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too”( Ernest Hemingway) It all started in the second semester of grade 10. I always liked the thought of a boyfriend, but could never find someone I liked enough. First day in the second semester in French class there was a new guy I had never seen before, I guess he just had not been in any of my other classes before. He was also in my socials class and who happened to be a lacrosse player. I thought nothing of it, he was just your typical silly lacrosse player. As the semester went by we slowly got to know each other as friends, and I developed a little crush. Some how he got a hold of my number, we began to text daily.  Finally, he asked me to hangout and I was so excited! I casually text him back saying “sure”. We hung out at my house and just talked, which somehow turned into a wrestling match which he won every time, but one time I some how got my legs wrapped around him, he looked me in the eyes and his head moved closer, I looked away and turned my head. When I looked back at him, he said “sorry” I replied, “why?” even though I know he tried to kiss me, he said nothing. We just looked at each other and our lips touched. It was probably the worst kiss ever! Our teeth kind of kept touching and it was actually quite uncomfortable, I was so embarrassed. He pulled away with a little smirk on his face and said “lets try that again“. After that every kiss felt special. Eventually it was already half way through the second semester and we officially had a “thing”.  On May 22 it was one of my best friends sweet 16, she was having a big house party in which ***** and the rest of his clan were not invited. I remember being mad at him for some reason,  it was probably for something stupid like, liking another girls photo on facebook or something. That night at that party, I had never been so drunk, it was probably the second time I had ever even drank. I wish I could erase it out of my life, I was so out of control that I unknowingly hooked up with another guy, and pictures were taken and posted on facebook the next day. The weekend after the party I never heard a word from *****. When Monday came, he completely avoided me at school, the next day we both got to school early to talk things over and he thankfully gave me a second chance. By the end of grade 10 we still had a “thing” and hung out regularly. As the summer came we didn't talk much, and then I left for New York for a month and we completely stopped communicating. This is when I realized how much I actually liked this guy, this silly, idiotic, stupid lacrosse player. I never missed someone one so much. When I finally arrived home I text him and he came over. Before he came I wanted everything to be perfect, I picked out a nice pink shirt and some leggings and cleaned my room. When he knocked on the door I opened it, and he was standing there with his stupid little smile with his arms wide open gesturing for a hug. I remember squeezing him so tightly.  That day we literally sat in my room, just talking for hours about our summer. School was just around the corner and we hangout a few more times. On the first day of grade 11, I was nervous, but not because it was the first day of being a senior, but because I did not know how to act  around him at school, things running through my mind, “should I hug him”, “should I wait so I don’t embarrass him”, “should I say hi” or “maybe I should just avoid him”.  After the second week of school I got more comfortable, and we started to hangout on a regular basis. On October 3, it was the best day of my life, we both skipped fourth block at school and went back to my house, that day he officially asked me out and made me French toast. That was the beginning of our relationship. He was the first boyfriend I ever had, and I didn't know how to be a girlfriend. Everything I did was to please him, if he was not happy I wasn't either, if there was something that made him happy I would do it and if there was something that made him upset I wouldn't. I was always asking for reassurance, if he was upset I automatically thought it was something I did. The only thing I wanted him to was to get a little jealous once and a while, so sometimes I would purposely go sit and talk with some other guys. But he never said anything to me about it so I didn't think it bothered him which drove me absolutely crazy! I wanted him to want me and all of me for himself. When he sat with other girls or I saw that he was texting another girl I got so jealous but I was always to scared to express myself, I did not want to become that “annoying jealous girlfriend” or that “clingy girlfriend” that had to be with him 24/7. One day we just hangout out, he looked me straight in the eyes and said the ultimate three words eight letters “ I love you”. I died inside, as much as I wanted to say it back I couldn't, I was to scared, I did not want to say something I would regret. Just before Christmas he got his license, I remember the day he came and picked me up and all we did was drive around, I felt so cool having my boyfriend being the first grade 11 to get his license.  Christmas day came and he came and visited me after Christmas dinner, we exchanged gifts and watched a movie. As January rolled around so did my birthday, I remember walking up to him in the school parking lot and him giving me the biggest hug, he always gave the best hugs. We skipped that whole day together, he took me out for lunch and went back to my house, he got me way to many gifts. Before I opened any of them I looked up at him and said “ I love you”. Have you ever been so happy  you cried? I have only once, on my 17th birthday, words can’t describe how I felt, it was a feeling I had never felt before. We were both incredibly happy and both loved each other. This relationship lasted till March of grade 11. One day I randomly get a text saying the four worst words that a girl dreads to hear, “we need to talk”. I remember my heart beating so fast and my body constantly shaking, I couldn't help it. We went on a break for a week, I was hoping everything would work out, and we could stay together. But it was just the opposite, he pulled the “ its not you, its me” bullshit. I didn't know how to take it, other then crying, I told him I still had feelings for him, hoping that we could work on our relationship instead of just giving up, but he did not want to. I did not know how to be a good enough girlfriend and still don’t but I have learned so much from which I thank him for. I always knew I liked him so much more then he liked me, I did it to myself. Throughout that relationship I had never been so happy to have someone care about me the way he did, but there are so many things I wish I could go back and change. Maybe if I expressed my feelings more, or if I spoke my mind instead of agreeing all the time, or just made it less boring, I thought he was happy, so I was to. Lana Del Ray once said that “when someone else’s happiness is your happiness that is love” he was my first love and there will always be a place in my heart for him. Even up till this day, I don’t think about another guy as much as I do about him, and I don’t know why, because he probably hasn't once thought about me in months. I've tried to move on but I am to embarrassed to say I still have feeling for him. It’s the worst feeling in the world loving someone so much and knowing they don’t love you back. I don’t know what love is, but it’s the closest thing I've had to it. But still, how can you have so much love for someone, and think the world of them and they still don’t care about you? I don’t get it.